September 15, 2021
I have spent my entire life (of roughly 60 years) feeling like an outsider… an outcast… a rebel… a space alien on a foreign planet… an individual who is fundamentally different than other people on this celestial orb. I am different in the way I think, the way I feel, the way I look, and the way I act. Some of these differences may not be obvious to the casual observer. But they are obvious to me, as I have always lived with the fact that I do not fit in with the conventional society of clones, zombies, and sheep that surround me.
I first became aware of my differences during my earliest social experiences, in kindergarten in 1965. I could tell right away that I was not like those other children, and they sensed it too. I immediately was treated as an unpopular outcast. I never understood exactly why, and I didn’t care that much about it. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with me. I was totally fine. Therefore, there must be something wrong with all those others creatures. They are the weirdos—not me!
This theme has remained constant through all the rest of my life—up to the present. That is why I have always been a loner and an individualist. If people reject me, I am not going to change to please them. I am a better person than most of them—wiser, more perceptive, more observant, more aware, more in touch with the universe… So screw everybody else! You do things your way. I am going to do things my way—regardless of what you think about it.
That is the predominant theme of my life. And that is why my heroes have always been rebels who have also done things their own way. Music has always been extremely important to me. Like Jimi Hendrix said, music does not lie—in contrast to just about every other human institution. Music is pure truth, and it speaks directly to the soul. Music lifts my spirits and fills my consciousness with the good vibes that I need to function. I could not live without music.
My main hero, when I was developing and perfecting my ways of thinking during my teens and twenties, was Waylon Jennings, the “outlaw” country singer. Waylon bucked the Nashville music system in the 1970s to make his rock-tinged music and to live his rebel lifestyle his own way, pissing off a lot of people and making a lot of other people happy. Waylon was my inspiration, both personally and musically, and he remains a major influence on my mindset.
As I said, I am fundamentally different from most people in the ways I think—the basic ways in which the neurons inside my brain function. I know it. I am wired differently, and this affects the ways in which my mind works. Consequently, I have my own unique ways to think about everything—about my work, my daily activities, my personal relationships, world events, politics, culture… You name it, and I can guarantee that I have a unique perspective on it.
But perhaps the main area of my life in which my individuality has been most predominant in my consciousness is my gender identity. I was born with male genetics and a male body, but I began to feel like a female when I was about 13. That’s when I started to crossdress, so I could look and feel like the girl who was inside of me.
I kept my girlie feelings secret. And I kept crossdressing, always in the privacy of my own home—until I was about 50 (in 2010). That’s when I finally started going out in public dressed like a woman. Appearing in public as a woman made me feel wonderfully free and blissfully feminine. I also told most people that I know about my female feelings and my crossdressing. So, I was pretty open about it all.
However, until this year (2021), I always thought of myself as merely a crossdresser, or a transvestite—a guy who enjoys occasionally dressing up like a girl. But, as most experts in gender dysphoria will tell you, such feelings evolve over time. I now self-identify not as a crossdressing man, but as a transgender woman. I currently consider myself to be a woman—a “she” and a “her.” When I finally became completely comfortable with this female identity, I changed my gender identity on this website—my professional writer/editor website, by which I make my living. That’s how you know it is real.
I changed my name from Alfred Joseph Smuskiewicz to Alyssa Jessica Smuskiewicz—both A.J.—and this is how I now present myself to the world. As for my body, I am taking natural estrogen hormone supplements—phytoestrogens (from the plants black cohosh, shatavari, chaste tree berry, dong quai, ginger root, and epimedium) and bovine ovary glandular extracts—to boost the female hormones in my body and stimulate the development of feminine physical characteristics. I choose to follow this nonprescription natural route, because I do not trust the conventional, greedy, corrupt medical establishment on anything, much less my own body. I won’t get their damn experimental COVID vaccine, and I won’t stick their prescription hormone drugs into my body either.
I will do it my way. Like always.
“My way” is so important to me that I recently created a music video in which I sing the Sinatra classic, while showing some of my favorite pictures of my feminine self. Yeah, the video is rather weird, but it wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t.
From my first realization, in 1965, that I was a fundamentally different kind of individual to my full acceptance, in 2021, that I am a transgender woman, I have always followed my own path, I have always been true to myself, and I have always tried to be honest with the world.
Can you say that about yourself? Or are you a clone zombie sheep?
My journey on this planet continues. I am not sure where it will lead. But two things are for certain—I will always be free, and I will always be myself.